Hope in the Dark
The darkness feels heavy now. The silence has become oppressive. Where solitude brought comfort and relief, the feeling of being alone is now filled with grief. It's winter and the cold is bitter and bitterly cold. The howling wind mocks everything I used to stand on. This little light of mine feels like its not shining. Not any more.
I've made every attempt to remain positive. My children needed me to do that. My employer needed me to do that. My parents needed me. My light needed to shine for people I love and encourage, mentor and counsel. But it just keeps getting darker. I look at the world and I see people in more hardship than I, colder winter, and more painful loss. I feel the need to be okay because I have everything I need. When people ask me how I am doing, I answer "so good." Because I am good. Nothing is broken or dying. No one is hungry or cold in my family. None of my people are abused or abusive. There is lots of love here. But it's dark.
I asked the Holy Spirit, "Wasn't my light bright enough?"
I have done 2,000 ultrasounds. 2000 little beating hearts. Many of those little hearts were snuffed out, more than I care to count. I have seen people choose their own pride, their 'five year plan' over the life of their own child. I've watched women weeping because they couldn't see the light in their own darkness, and now it's too late. They chose death, not life.
I've seen the calloused look on a man's face, bragging about his trophies and trophy women. Sex is just a game to him. He takes his antibiotics and leaves, and the world calls him a hero while he leaves a wake of destruction behind him.
I've listened to stories of abuse that I can never unhear, born witness to debauchery so evil, it leaves scars on the soul.
I've watched people I love reject grace. And I ask the Holy Spirit, "Wasn't my light bright enough?" I watch them choose to live in the dark, far away from the light. I have stood by as dry bones lie in the valley, still dead. No life in the wind that rattles them together in the dusty earth. Prayers go unanswered. And the dark gets darker. Death looms so close to one that I love, the darkness is tangible.
Hope. It's the evidence of something you can't see. Faith is seeing something that isn't there. Believing God is more than knowing He is good because things are good. Even the devil believes and trembles. Believing what God says is true, even when I can't prove it. That's what Faith looks like. God says that "Jesus was the light of life, that darkness could not overcome Him." The darker the darkness, the brighter the light.
For years, my little light shone in the light. It could not be seen because there was so much light around it. But now, the Holy Spirit says, "It's dark enough." He tells me to keep shining. To keep hoping. In the dark. I have His light in me. It is bright enough. The darkness will not overcome it.